Colby and I have always known that we wanted children. Even before we were married we often talked about starting a family and how many kids we wanted but we didn’t always agree on the timing of when we would start our family. I think this is the case for a lot of couples. But, what do you do when one spouse is ready and the other isn’t? The one thing you absolutely do not want to do is guilt or pressure the other into having a baby. Both partners need to be completely on board and neither should feel pressured into making this decision. There are some things that you can do though to help get your spouse on board with baby.
Communication is key when it comes to planning your family. Communicate and communicate often. If you aren’t talking with your spouse then you will never know what the other person wants in terms of starting a family. This is also a great time to find out any concerns your partner has and come up with solutions to address those issues.
SHARE YOUR CONCERNS
Having a baby is an amazing thing but also a scary one. It is perfectly normal to have fears or concerns about starting a family. For me, I was worried that if we waited too long we would have a harder time getting pregnant and it would take us longer. Colby, being the breadwinner of our family, wanted to make sure we were financially in a good place before we started trying. Both were valid concerns. Both also had pretty easy solutions. For me, it was important that I worked with my doctors to find out if there was anything I needed to do before we started trying. Colby’s concern was remedied by looking at our finances and seeing how having a child would change our budget. We also decided we wanted to have a certain amount of money in the bank before we started trying as well as we wanted to tackle our student loan debt. As a couple you need to be sharing any fears or concerns you have with each other and coming up with solutions before you start trying. By having a plan in place it can help take away some of the fears or concerns you may have.
STOP TALKING ABOUT BABIES
This one might be hard for you if you are ready to start your family but your spouse isn’t. I know it is hard but sometimes it helps to stop talking about babies…even if just for a bit. Now, don’t get me wrong, Colby and I often talked about our future children and all the things we wanted to do with them and places we wanted to take them, etc. We talked about baby names and if we hoped we would have a boy or a girl but one thing I learned over the years is sometimes talking about starting a family all the time isn’t always a good thing. Talking about having a baby is fun but it can often put pressure on your partner and make them feel like their concerns aren’t being heard or that they are being pressured to start a family when they aren’t quite ready. Even if this isn’t your intention, sometimes it can still feel like it to your partner. So give up the baby talk for awhile…at least with your spouse.
START A BABY BUCKET LIST
One thing we did was create a baby bucket list. I think it is natural to sometimes worry that once you have a child there are things you will no longer be able to do and for some things this may be true. Sometimes, even though you want to start a family, there are things that you want to accomplish before that happens and that was the case for us. There were things Colby (and myself) wanted to do before a baby came along. There were financial goals, traveling goals, and even some things we wanted to purchase…all before a baby came along. Though I will say, as we got older, some of the things we put on our list got taken off as they no longer became important.
GIVE IT TIME
Sometimes all you need to get a spouse on board is give them time. I always knew Colby wanted children, I never once doubted this…and I always knew that eventually we would start our family. Our time line of when just didn’t always match up. But by giving it time, you are giving your spouse time to grow as an individual and time to accomplish goals in their life. Sometimes a person can want children and want to start a family but they simply are just not ready the same time that you are and that is OK. Taking care of a tiny little human is scary and hard work and it is important that someone feels ready for that before it happens. You are also giving them time to grow into the type of person that will make them an amazing father. But I promise you, the time will come when they are ready and it may even take you by surprise when that time comes.
Ultimately the best way to get your spouse on board is through communication and time. I think as a female, we often feel ready before our spouse…and I think that is perfectly normal. Our biological clock and maternal instincts kick in and it is just a bit different with men.
What did you do to get your spouse on board with having a baby? Did you both initially agree on the same time or did it take time to get to the same place? I would love to hear from you!
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